we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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