Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
