i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize