did you get engaged???
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
