my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
