He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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