just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
