Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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