Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
