i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
