Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
