I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
