i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
