you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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