Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
