Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
