you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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