I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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