Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
