You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
