R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
