almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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