just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Did I show you my penis last night?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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