dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
