We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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