you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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