I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
