He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
