I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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