i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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