I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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