I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
