my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
