New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
