i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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