I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize