We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
