tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
