I will die if light touches me.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
