My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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