in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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