The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
