i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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