You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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