You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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