btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
