I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Define "chronic" masturbator.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
