I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
