Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
