In the future we'll all be gay
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize