Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
