i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize