Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
time to smoke my breakfast
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
