I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
