I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
