So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
