I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
