her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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