It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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