Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dicks are not precious.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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