Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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