Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
