You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize