So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
