I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This house was built for laser tag.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
