Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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