i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
