He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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